Ugh. Ugh. Double Ugh.
I have been hearing sad news lately.
A co-worker who was pregnant lost her baby right around her due date.
Another friend found out upsetting news about her pregnancy. The ultrasound showed significant problems.
I am specifically not giving too many details on purpose. Suffice it to say nobody wants to hear news like this.
What do I do? What do I say? Having gone through my own difficulties I know that everyone needs to grieve differently and nothing you hear really makes you feel better. But I am reaching out to my therapisty friends (Rach, Chaviva, and anyone else out there)for advice. That's what this blogging world is for right?
I am listening and supportive but how do you listen without wanting to take away the other person's pain?
I am davening and saying tehillim but even that only provides small comfort for those experiencing such intense pain.
I have to think that there are hidden reasons that people have to experience this kind of pain and agony. We don't know what the reasons are or why but I know deep down that our suffering has a purpose. It is not useless.
I hope that Hashem will give me the wisdom to know how to help and what to say and when to say it.
4 comments:
i also always struggle with what to say, and with the idea that suffering is necessary. i understand it intellectually, but emotionally, sometimes it just seems like too much.
I find, that people generally share their pain, because - simply enough, they want someone to listen. We don't necessarily need to have something to say, except to say,
" I am listening to you, I hear you, and anytime you need to talk about it, I will be here for you."
Hope they all find comfort from you.
Nicely stated Orah. Elisha, it is really hard to watch someone experiencing something painful without trying to do something specific or say something specific to take that pain away. But often times, trying to mitigate their pain is more painful to them. They are in a place where they need to experience their pain in order to get through it. I think it is important to follow your friends lead and be there for them in the way in which they need. Their need will likely change as time goes on. I have a friend who miscarried a little while ago, and she shared with me how angry she was with all the ppl who were trying to make her feel better by saying unnecessary and downright stupid things. None of them were trying to be hurtful, they were simply trying to help. While, my friend knew they meant no harm, she just felt like no one was being there for her in the way in which we needed. Good luck.
This is a very difficult issue. I never know what to say to people who are in that kind of pain. At shiva houses as well, I'm so uncomfortable and tongue tied. I think the best advice as your friends have said here, just listen. A good listener is hard to find.
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