Summer so far. . .

Soooooo, I've been working this summer. Teaching 14 early childhood special ed kids. Talk about different than what I'm used to. It is not easy to maintain any sort of order in a classroom like that. I am in awe of teachers that do it all year long. The kids are cute, except for when they aren't. Like the boy that screams loudly all day long. Or the boy that is in everybody else's business and tattletales non-stop. Or the girl that already has an attitude at 5 years old. But it is wonderful to see them make friends, use new words and learn how to write their names. And they hug you and tell you that they love you. I certainly don't get that with the middle schoolers! And since I haven't taught that age group in a while, it was a little stressful doing something new. But now I'm done!! And I feel like I have the presence of mind to blog.

So here's some pics of the summer so far. . .

Little T's graduation from kindergarten

These were at Wagner Farm. A historic farm with some animals. The kids absolutely loved it.

I broke down and bought a pool for the backyard on the 4th. They have had so much fun using it and the hose. And I even got a little tan! Some of the garden is in the background. We now have radishes, peas, and lettuce growing in addition to our cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers (hot and sweet), cabbage, and leeks.

Our last meat meal before the 9 days. Eating outside with the kids was great-they could be loud and messy and it didn't matter. Delicious Israeli food-didn't even have any leftovers.

Doesn't look so exciting but it is: the first tomatoes and basil from the garden. With some fresh mozzarella. Absolutely delicious.




I am looking forward to not working!!! Later this summer, we'll be on the East Coast and we are really excited about that. Hopefully, this heat wave will break and we can spend some more time outside again.

Sometimes early isn't a good thing

I'm not sure if I have mentioned this previously but my sister is expecting a baby around the middle/end of March.

Last week, she started having contractions and is now on bed rest. She is 30 weeks along. Even on bed rest (and medicine) she is still having contractions.

Her son came at 35 weeks and we are all praying for her to make it that long.

That's why I am letting everyone know.

If you can say some Tehillim (psalms) for her or any other davening (praying) I would truly appreciate it (and I know she would too)!

Her name is Miriam Yaakova bas Sora Chana.

Hopefully, Hashem will help that baby stay nice and cozy in there for a lot longer!

Progress update, etc.

So, I made this great list about what I intend to do. But how is it going?

Pretty well if I do say so myself. And it's my blog so I do say so.

Menu planning has been happening, 2 weeks at a time. It really helps to do it that way, technically I only have to go grocery shopping once every 2 weeks if I do it right. Of course, milk and produce still need to be gotten but that's a relatively quick errand.

Making double of some meals is also wonderful. I really wish I had started that earlier in my married life!! I now have a tuna casserole, tray of enchiladas, and a lasagna in my freezer waiting to be eaten. I really have to thank my husband for helping with this-he made the enchiladas and the lasagna (with the kid's help!) and that was totally appreciated! I also made homemade minestrone soup in the crockpot last week and I have some of that in the freezer also. Hopefully, I can keep up the momentum. This little bit of extra planning makes the evenings run sooooooo much more smoothly.

Cleaning is more challenging for me. I seem to do it in bursts-it's all or nothing. I am too tired at night after I come home from work to do more than dinner, dishes, laundry. So I am still figuring this part out. We did do a TON of cleaning this weekend, so the house is clean and it's amazing how much weight gets lifted off my shoulders. Of course, the cleanliness doesn't last long with 4 kids and snow, but at least it's clean for a few minutes.

Since the evenings are running more smoothly, I have more time to spend with the girls and that makes them happy. Which makes me happy. Big T and I went to a mother-daughter event at her school and we actually had a nice time. We made a project together (a topiary-great for my artistic daughter), ate snacks, and played a game. When I asked her what her favorite part of the evening was I expected to hear about the project. But she said "spending time with you mommy." Sometimes they can just make me all mushy inside. Here's another mushy moment:

So now I have been mulling over another idea. Among the blogs I read, this one has an interesting challenge going on right now. She calls it Eat From The Pantry Challenge. The premise is that for the month her family is only buying produce, milk, and perishables. When I first read this, I scoffed at it. I thought it was crazy. But the more I thought, the more it made sense. And the reason it made sense to me is that that wonderful holiday Pesach (Passover) is just around the corner. As I have built up quite a stockpile of such items as pasta, pancake mix, cereal, and canned goods, not to mention the chicken I have in the freezer; I thought it would be an opportune time to use these food items. I an NOT making rules for myself, I am just going to try to really work hard at planning my menus around these items. Wish me lots of luck-I'll keep you posted on my efforts. ( I know my husband will be REALLY happy, besides for the saving $$ part, he wants the closet where I keep the food surplus for a huge fish tank-now he has hope of getting it).

We celebrated 2 birthdays this past week. Big T turned 9 and Little T turned 6!! That is just plain craziness, where has the time gone? Big T has now earned her nickname, she is just 6 inches shorter than me! Granted that is not hard to do considering I am less than 5 feet tall, but still. She's only 9!! I kinda feel like I am growing up with her (as a parent). I don't know how to parent a child this old, I've never done it before!! Hopefully, I won't make too many mistakes!

But back to the birthdays. They each got to pick the dinner on the night of their birthday. Subway and enchiladas!! We've certainly branched out from pizza and hot dogs (although they are my husband's children-they usually ask for steak)! We are planning to have a small family party soon, so I plan to put some pics up then.

That's all for now. Hope everyone is having a good week!!

Veteran's Day

I know I wrote about my dad on Memorial Day but I didn't want to let this day go by without mentioning him again.



But instead of my words, read his.



I read this article to all the middle school classes yesterday and it was a little surreal. So many of these kids haven't been out of this city and don't have a lot of knowledge about history or the rest of the world. So I felt it was important to show/remind them that there many unselfish, brave people that sacrifice their lives and their safety just so we can have ours.



I used to think "Yay, a day off of school." I still think that (I am a teacher after all, and everyone likes a day off!) but now I am conscious of the reason.



So, thank you to all those soldiers and sailors who have fought for us. And thank you to those who are fighting now. You are appreciated!

I have the best husband ever!

Guess what my husband did yesterday. Maybe these pictures will help you figure it out.

He took the day off and took all 4 girls to the zoo. Bad weather and all. While I was at work. These 2 gorillas were sleeping curled up together holding each other. Aren't they cute? But not as cute as the cutie pie who was looking at the gorillas!

Anyway, I am super impressed with my husband for taking them out-it is hard work taking all 4 them anywhere by yourself. So I am publicly thanking him for his hard work!!

And the hard work just continues. . . with all the cooking that is being done for Yom Tov. Which he is doing most of. While watching 4 children. And working from home. Because you guessed it, I'm at work today. I will do the baking but he will do probably everything else. Whoever said men can't multi-task? Oh, wait that was me. Well, he has certainly learned how after 11 years of marriage.

So thanks honey, you are the BEST!

Vacation in (some) pictures

The universe seems to be stacked against me putting pictures on my blog. First, we can't find the cord to upload the pics from my blackberry (we're not sure it came home from vacation). Then, my husband gave me a card reader that doesn't work. Of course, I had to find that out the hard way. So, I am stuck e-mailing them to myself and then adding them which is a labor intensive process. Anyway, a lot of the better pics are on the husband's blackberry and my sister's camera (we would like to see those pics before we are old and gray :))




Here are some highlights:


We spent a day at Harper's Ferry and this a view from there. This is where the Potomac and Shenandoah rivers meet. It is really beautiful. Harper's Ferry was important during the civil war (John Brown, slave revolts-you get the idea) and I had to come here tons of time for school trips. (It's only about 20 mins from my parent's house, yes they live that close to West Virginia but don't count that against them). After 11 years of marriage, we FINALLY got my husband to go. He actually enjoyed it and so did the kids. And I never have to go again. EVER.







We all were really there. Not all following directions or turning around, but we did enjoy the view.










Big T playing air hockey. Against who? Daddy. Neither remember who won so it must have been fun for them both! We took them to Chuckie Cheeses in MD because I had a coupon for a boatload of tokens (we still have some left for another trip) and we needed to fill an afternoon after our trip to the kosher subway in Balto. Where we pigged out-all of us. Anyway, it's not the time to address my chuckie cheese issues but just know that I have them.





Lulu taking M on a ride. Don't they both look like they are having fun? Lulu is always thinking of others before herself. She took M on lots of these rides. Little story: we went to the national zoo ( hopefully pics will come later) and we told Lulu she could pick out a birthday present for herself. We're in the store; looking around, and the first item Lulu brings up to me is a panda bib for the baby. "We should get this for M, Mommy. She would like it." I had to remind her to find something for herself. Sometimes I forget she is only 7 years old.




So technically this picture was taken after we got back at the Museum of Sci and Industry. But I had to include it. In case you are wondering Little T is dissecting an owl pellet. Yep, owl throw up. She wasn't fazed at all and was so focused and intent, it was amazing! She used those tools like a professional and found lots of little rodent bones (that was the goal after all). Maybe she'll be a scientist when she grows up.





That's it for now. Just a few selected highlights. Hopefully, more will follow.

The long and short of it

So I am going to take a quick break from vacation talk to commemorate an important day.

It's our 11 year anniversary today!!

I'm not really sure I believe it but it's true. I have been married to my charming, funny, handsome, able to fix anything, sometimes crazy, sometimes quiet, extremely smart, helpful around the house, always guesses surprises, knows me better than I know myself, Torah loving, analytically thinking, musically inclined, lover of power tools, insightful, good listener, likes sci-fi and fantasy books; husband for 11 years.

Part of me wants to say "Where did the time go?"

And another part of me wants to say "Wow, that's been a loooooong time!"

They're both true. How can I be old enough to have 4 kids and be married this long? I still feel like a teenager in some ways (do I really have to make adult decisions?). But it also feels like a long time because in the past few years we have entered another stage of marriage. We continue to learn new things about each other but it's not like when we first got married and we barely knew anything about living with the other person. We know each other's quirks, strengths and weaknesses, and in spite of or because of those things that make us who we are, we love each other more.

I know where he will put his dirty socks (not the hamper). I know his mood when he comes home from work. I know what I can say to make him laugh. I know how to pick out books he'll like from the library. He knows I need to pick my own books from the library. That I need some time in the morning to read or at least a few quiet minutes to get my head into the day. He knows that I am obsessed with making sure the laundry gets done frequently so I don't have a ton to do at one time. He knows what to say to make me feel better or calm down or feel good about myself. Of course, he also know what to say to rile me up too.

In this day and age when divorces are common and for some it is hard to find a partner, I feel truly blessed and appreciative of what I have. Not just to be married but to have a good marriage that we are both willing to continue to work on.

So bring on 11 more!! Happy anniversary Y!

What we've been watching

We were at the Library last week, and observed a milestone with Little M. The older girls were reading their book for the reading program, and Little M was playing on the mat. She started crawling across the floor to get at a toy and I was able to capture it with my blackberry!



Yay, crackberry! I mean, yay Little M!

Enjoy the video!

naturally natural, a pretty postcard

I have so much to say but every time I think about blogging I just get overwhelmed! It seems like so much effort to write these days. But here goes.



I have a little obsession with birth. My husband would say it is a big obsession- I love to talk about it with everybody and anybody. I married into the right family because my mother-in-law is a doula (labor coach) and one of my sister-in-laws is becoming a childbirth educator. So you can imagine our conversations at any given time-all the men end up leaving the room because inevitably the topic of birth comes up.



No, I am not sharing my own birth stories with cyberspace. Except to say that I have never had an epidural with any of my labor experiences. Why am I sharing that? Because I just finished reading an amazing book: Adventures in Natural Childbirth. It is a collection of birth stories by women who gave birth naturally. Some of the women used midwives, obs, doulas, or were unassisted. The stories basically cover every type of birth, even c-sections and show that for as many different types of women in the world there are that many differences in birth.



What I continue to find as I get older and more experienced is that we enlightened Americans are really not so enlightened as far as the birth process. Our lack of education when it comes to labor and birth is astounding. I am not criticizing anyone's choices-it is extremely personal. However, I have never, ever felt so empowered as a woman and human being as I felt when I gave birth to my children. As I have written previously, I have do not have a simple history when it comes to this area. I have experienced many difficult things. And yet they were my experiences and I feel so strong as a result of feeling them. There is a difference between pain and suffering ( I am quoting my mil or sil, I can't remember which). When I have been in labor I have felt intense pain. But I am not suffering. It is supposed to be work. I am bringing a human being into this world. Could there be anything more miraculous?

Getting off soapbox for now. I do have to say it's a great book if you like reading birth stories. If you don't like them I wouldn't suggest reading it, it is pretty graphic.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANYWAY, in other parts of my life . . .

This wonderful postcard was sent to us in the mail by my super crafty sister. It is made from fabric and she sewed the pictures on too. I think she used stamps to write the words. Our address is on the other side but I am not sharing that with the entire internet. Even though I probably only have 2 faithful readers and they are in my family and know where I live anyway! As you can see, the creativity gene completely skipped me and went entirely to my talented and amazing sister. But that's ok as long as she gives me all her wonderful projects!

Blackberry Farm and Splash Country

On Sunday we took a trip to Blackberry Farm and Splash Country. In Aurora. About an hour away. We went with my sister and brother-in-law and their 2 kids.

Blackberry Farm is a pioneer village with museums, hands-on activities for the kids, a carousel, train ride, pony rides, farm animals, and a wagon ride. We spend about 3 hours there and the kids loved it. The kids watched a woodcarver (the husband tried to steal the tools :), they carded wool, they saw a toad in the pond, and they pretended to milk a cow (it wasn't a real cow and just water came out). Everyone really enjoyed the trip!!

A really old log cabin with some really young kids! Aren't they adorable?

Not the best shot of me but here I am am with 4 out of 6 of the kiddos. Little T absolutely refused to turn around. Did you know they had picnic tables in the 1800's? Just kidding!

I usually prefer not to put pics of myself but I included this for one reason-my 4 year old nephew took this shot! Can you believe it? I think he has a future as a photographer!

Now some shots of the pony rides:

The family on the train ride. The next one is of Baby M sitting on the train next to Daddy.

Splash Country is an adjacent water park to Blackberry Farm. You can get tickets for both parks for just $3 more a ticket. It was well worth it! The water park wasn't too big but it was perfect for the kids. It has water slides, a lazy river, a pool with 0 ft. depth. We stayed for 2 hours but the kids could have stayed until it closed!

Ok, so not a lot of pics from the water park. Baby M would not look up at the camera! Just notice the old school bathing suit-that suit has been around since I was a kid. No, I didn't wear it! But I did put it on my dolls and my mom gave it to my kids to put on their dolls. So when I couldn't find a suit for Baby M and was packing up stuff to go on this trip I saw it lying on the floor on a doll. Voila! It fit perfectly. And since it's from the 80's, she's right in style!

After the water park we went to a park called Jericho Park and had a BBQ. We brought everything with us-grill, food, ice, plasticware, chairs, bug spray, pretty much everything but the kitchen sink. Actually, that probably would have been helpful too. But too heavy.



Anyway, we had a great time. There is a lake there and the kids loooooved watching people fishing. My girls are certainly NOT squeamish-they told one fisherman when he asked if he should keep the fish he caught or throw it back-"keep it!" He was impressed. I think they would have eaten it right there on the spot if we had grilled it!



It was such a super pleasant day. Everyone behaved and had fun. What more can you ask for?



Ok, this post has taken forever (putting pics on takes such a loooong time-why?) Time to go make fish tacos for dinner and check to see that the kids haven't totally destroyed the house.

the clock in the sky

I know in previously written posts I have talked about Little T. I want to focus this post on her-my most stubborn, willful, independent child.


Little T is 5 years old. Sometimes she acts much younger and sometimes much older. I blame her behavior (read stubborn arguing) on her strawberry blond/almost red hair. She does have a fiery temperament and strong creative streak. She is extremely dramatic and loves to perform. But she also is my child who loves books and can sit and entertain herself for close to an hour reading books even though she can't read yet!


She is extremely picky about her clothes-she likes her socks pulled up all the way to her knees. She thinks turquoise matches red and pink. She made me paint the toenails on one foot pink and the other toenails on the other foot a different color.


She marches to the beat of her own drum. Actually, I don't think it's a drum it ,might be a keyboard. Or maybe a guitar.


Anyway, the reason this post came about was a conversation I had with her tonight while she was eating dinner and I was feeding the baby. Here goes:

Little T: "Mommy, Hashem had to work very hard to create the world."

Me: "Yes, that's true."

Little T: "He worked so hard then he needed a BIG, BIG rest."

Me: "Yep."

Little T: "Then he put a big clock/timer in the shemayim (sky) and that is how we know when holidays are."

(I have to admit that up until this point I hadn't really been paying attention. So I asked her to repeat-timer in the sky? What? So she told me again.)

Me: "Who told you this?"

Little T: "No one Mommy, I figured this out by myself. The clock tells when the holidays are so we know."

Me: "How did you get so smart?"

Little T (said in all seriousness): "Grandma."


You can imagine me laughing. I almost fell out of my chair. And then I had to call grandma right away and tell her. Now, I know who to blame give credit to! We had a good laugh together about Little T.


Thanks for being spunky and creative and your own person, Little T!! You certainly make life more interesting!

Oink, Oink

Well, I am exhausted. After one false negative, the kids are dropping like flies from the dreaded swine flu. So my first week of vacation is well, certainly not vacation. Oh, who am I kidding? As my mom said "Moms don't get vacation."

So the count is now 2 kids sick and 2 kids healthy. Hopefully, they will stay that way. We have multiple prescriptions of Tamiflu so I have hope. My heart breaks for them though. They feel miserable and they are missing the last week of school. When all the fun happens. So I have been doing a lot of promising. We will bake challah this week because Little T's class was doing that today. And we will go to the farmer's market next week because Big T's class was going to the produce store today (to practice their money skills-even though I think Big T knows how to use money, she certainly knows how to spend it!)

As for good news, I got a Blackberry when my cell phone recently broke. It has a really great camera in it and takes great pictures. So I should have more pics to add to the blog. It does take a really long time to add lots of pics though. Maybe I should go back to work so I will have more time to blog! Does that make sense? Staying home with my kids all day gives me no free time! Stay at home moms rock! It is such hard work to parent kids all day long. Don't get me wrong-working is hard too. But staying at home has plenty of challenges and I really respect all the moms who do it.

What else? Lulu's birthday is on Shabbos (Saturday) and I haven't even thought about it. Now any party we have will have to wait for everyone to get well. She will be 7 years old-where has the time gone? Really, where has it gone?

Dirty Diaper calling, gotta go. . . was that too much info?

Post in Pictures. lovely Lulu

Here's what's on been going on recently:

Graduation (for my 8th graders)! Here I am on the right with 2 of the best teachers in the school! I love you Emily and Yolanda!

Here is Lulu at her school play. This is a little old-her front teeth are growing in already!

Lulu and her Bubbie at her play.

Ok-not so recent. This is the first tooth Lulu lost-she has lost probably 6 more since then. But it is a cute pic isn't it?

More pics later. . . . .

Memorial Day

Growing up I really had no idea what this day was for. Kind of ironic since both my dad and uncle fought in WWII. As I've grown up, my understanding about this day has grown up too. And so I would like to honor my dad and uncle in this post for the sacrifices they made as soldiers protecting our freedom.


My uncle past away a few years ago when he was 85 years old. No, he was not my great-uncle he was my uncle. (My parents got married late-that's a story for another time). In WWII he was in the army and he stormed the beach at Normandy (I think it was Omaha beach). He saw terrible fighting and really did not talk about his experiences. He received a purple heart for his bravery as well as other medals . When I was in high school I was lucky enough to take a class trip to France and we spent some time in Normandy. We visited the American cemetery there filled with soldiers that gave their lives during that fight.


My father has an equally interesting story. He joined the Navy and fought in the Pacific. His ship was a minesweeper which did exactly what it's title says-it deactivated mines that the Japanese left in the ocean. Kind of dangerous, which is an understatement. In those days they only had sonar and it wasn't as exact a science as it is now. His ship, the USS Minivet, sunk. Thank G-d he was rescued(by the Japanese) and taken to safety. Not all the soldiers on his ship were that lucky. If he had not been rescued, I would not be here today.


I think it is amazing that people believe so strongly in our country that they dedicate their lives to serving it. So many young people today (and I would include myself) don't know what that kind of selflessness means. We take our freedom and country for granted. So for one day I want to say thanks and really mean it.


Thank you Dad and Uncle Joe for helping keep this country safe! I have been blessed to have known 2 heroes in my life.

May 5

Today was my grandmother's birthday. When she passed away 5 years ago her death was my first real adult experience with the death of someone close to me who I loved. She lived a long life (she met 5 great-grand kids) that ended as a result of her battle with lung cancer.

Some things I remember about her:

She loved to eat.

She was generous and always bought my sister and I things that my mom wouldn't.

She loved to read romance novels.

She raised 2 wonderful daughters and taught them how to be great moms.

She wasn't afraid to state her opinion, to hell what other people thought.

She always had her nails and hair done.

She stayed with us for 2 weeks after Lulu was born and held her and held her. She loved babies.

She told me stories about what life was like growing up in Vermont with lots of brothers and sisters.

She had great jewelry and she used to let me look in her jewelry box when I would visit her.

She always had M&M's or some other type of chocolate in her house.

I miss her. I feel her presence a lot. Even more now that Baby M is named after her. Sometimes Baby M looks at me a certain way and I just see my grandmother in her so clearly.

I wish my kids would have had a chance to know her and make some memories with her.

This video inspired me and comforted me today. Her words capture everything that I need/want to say. I hope it inspires you too.

We love and miss you, Grandma.

Firsts

I'm sorry I haven't written for a while ( my sis got on my case) but for a while all I felt I could write about were complaints. And I don't want my blog to just be about complaints. Although it is my blog and I can write about whatever the heck I want even I was getting a little sick of myself!



So this is not a complaining post. It is about firsts. Pesach (Passover) started last week and it is M's first time celebrating the holiday. Of course, she has no idea what's going on-she's only 5 and a half months old, but still. She watched us during the Seder. She had some grape juice from my finger.



M also got her first tooth. We had absolutely no warning. Usually babies are fussy and uncooperative and you might even need to give them tylenol. Not this one. She has been drooling forever but that doesn't necessarily mean teeth are coming in the imminent future. Big T drooled for 9 months before she got her first tooth so I figured we had time. Well, I was wrong. At the second seder I put my finger in her mouth and felt sharp points on her bottom gum. I couldn't believe it and I might have to start to re-think this whole nursing thing. I don't like the idea of being bitten!




Another first: we gave M her first taste of food. She had applesauce and banana and even potato. Can you tell she's a 4th child? We didn't start with the baby cereal or test certain foods for a few days before starting a new one. I actually hadn't planned on giving her food at all until after Pesach but she seems sooooo ready to eat. She keeps grabbing cups and trying to put the food from my plate into her mouth.



Just today I gave some of my students their first taste of matza. They saw me eating it and were willing to have a try. Many of them have never met anyone Jewish and so all the traditions and customs that I keep are brand new and completely unfamiliar to them. Some of them liked the matza and some didn't but they asked me to bring more tomorrow so I take that as a good sign that I didn't scare them.



For the first time my husband and I cleaned our house for Pesach with no help. No cleaning help and no babysitting help. Usually I am scrambling around at the end needing something scrubbed or the kids taken away so that I can scrub something but not this year. We thought about our priorities and what we really needed during this holiday and that is all we focused on. We didn't clean anything extra (read: toys-just locked most of them up) and that helped. Also, being organized helped too!



Wishing everyone a Happy Pesach!

Facing hardship

I have been writing and re-writing this post for 5 days. I just can't seem to get it written the way I want it.





In our lives we face many different kinds of hardship. Right now I have a sinus infection and a strained shoulder muscle (which is basically the whole left side of my back). Just in time for Pesach. So I am pushing through and working through the pain (drugs-I mean prescription medicine does help).











But what about other hardship? The kind that medicine can't help. I've been meaning to post about this for awhile and just have not had the emotional space to do it. But on another blog I read, she just posted about her 5 month old baby who is sick. Really sick. With a heart problem.







When I read about situations like this it makes me want to cry. Because I just want to take away the other person's pain. No parent should ever have to see their child in pain. Having gone through many losses at various stages of pregnancy, I wish that no one would ever have to experience something so devastating.





It is a hard topic to write about but something inside me needs to write/share about loss and grief. We all go through it. For many of us our grief is so personal that we don't want to share it, we don't want to tell others, we just want to get over it. Stop thinking about it. In my experience that doesn't happen. We don't get over it. We carry it with us even when we move on and go on about our lives.





But I think moving on and getting over something are two different things. Life keeps going even when you feel like falling apart. But getting over "it" means to me that you no longer have those feelings. Which I don't think that any person who has gone through a crisis or trauma does-stop feeling? Not possible.





Sharing all my intimate details with cyberspace makes me a little nervous but in the interest of helping, I will. Because suffering alone and in silence is worse than suffering with others. And there are many others out there who have stories similar to mine. Unfortunately, my story is not unique.

I have been pregnant 7 times and have 4 children. Two pregnancies were lost relatively early (9 weeks and 11 weeks). My second pregnancy ended at 21 weeks. All were life-changing events. And here in lies the craziness of trauma, pain, grief or whatever you want to call it. I would never, ever want to go through these experiences but they have made me who I am and helped me acquire wisdom that I otherwise would not have gotten.

And Rach-this is for you-these experiences brought me closer to G-d. My relationship to HaShem is stronger and more intense because of the pain that I went through. I learned deep in my bones that Hashem is the one in control. Of course, I knew that before but I didn't know it. Knowing that whatever Hashem does is for the best even if it doesn't seem that way is a hard lesson to learn. But I am stronger in my emunah (faith) for it.

For reasons unknown to me, those neshomas (souls) had a purpose for being here even for the short time that they were here. And I had to be the one to bring that about. And that has brought me some comfort.

Life is messy. But I am grateful for all the brachos (blessings) that Hashem has given me!

Fashionistas

I'm sort of scrounging around in my brain for topics to write about today. I actually have a few ideas but I don't really have the brainpower to write about anything deep. I don't want to write about Passover yet-there's plenty of time and horror stories left for that.

I spent the entire day yesterday focused on the children's clothes for the upcoming seasons and holidays. Managing the clothes of 4 children is a job unto itself. I could probably make up a name for it: child stylist manager? personal unpaid shopper? We seriously have mountains of clothes in our house even after giving some away and throwing away the stained, yucky ones. I know I am a clothes horse ( I think that means I really like clothes) but it's not just that. Spring requires a whole different wardrobe than summer and holidays require a whole different wardrobe than weekday clothes. There's also the uniforms. Don't forget about the tights and the socks-they are also essential. Then we have the hair accessories and other such paraphernalia all over the place.

Then if they grow during the season and not between seasons, it's back to the stores for more and more clothes. Now, don't get me wrong-I am truly happy my kids are growing ( we do have growing issues so I really am happy). But girls are different than boys in the religious Jewish world. They wear skirts all the time and the skirts need to cover their knees. If they grow even just a little bit, their skirts might be just that little bit toooo short. And then it needs to be replaced. Now, in a way I am lucky, I have many other girls in the family to pass the clothes onto so it will get worn. But it is not so easy to find the clothes in the first place. Regular stores at the mall don't often carry skirts that are modest enough. And the religious stores charge an arm and a leg for children's clothes. I refuse to pay a lot unless I absolutely have to. Partly because I am cheap ( I fully admit it) and partly because my kids are hard on their clothes and they often get ruined easily.

I guess dressing my kids has become a hobby. I should just embrace that fact and take comfort that my kids usually look cute and do me proud!

Mazel Tov!

It's a boy!

My husband's brother and his wife had a baby boy yesterday evening. A 9 pound baby boy!

Everyone in the family is super excited, this is the first boy in about 4 years-the last 3 grandkids on my husband's side have been girls. So it's a pretty big deal.

It's also a big deal because it's their first child. I can barely remember what that feels like-when everything is so new and scary-AND you're the one in charge.

Did the baby get enough to eat?

Is the baby's poop supposed to look that color?

Why is the baby crying?

Should I make people wash their hands before they touch the baby?

All thoughts I had when my oldest was born. When M was born a few months ago (the 4th) I didn't really have any of those worries. Caring for a newborn wasn't new. Even though it had been almost 5 years since Little T was born, how to care for a newborn came rushing back. I knew what to do.

I have found that I enjoy the newborn stage (and yes, I HAVE had a difficult/crying all the time baby so I know what that is like) and it goes by so fast. It is hard to be fully present and enjoy that time; when you are worried about how to care for the baby and recovering from childbirth things can be completely overwhelming! But now that my kids are bigger I realize that they are only babies for such a short time. It is so important to savor it and relish it. They get more and more independent and their needs constantly change.

So enjoy your first baby D and E! He is truly a blessing!

Mazel Tov!

Because I'm at Work

Because I am at work today this Purim is a little different than normal. Usually the husband and I bundle up the kids and go around delivering shaloch manos to everyone in the world that we know (at least it seems that way)! But this year I am teaching (couldn't take off because Pesach is coming up and used up most of my days for maternity leave earlier this year) and so we are taking it easy.

The kids are giving to a few of their friends and their teachers and we will give to whoever comes to our house. Which leads me to the theme of this year's shaloch manos. My original idea didn't work out because it correlated to the kid's costumes which they refused to wear. So scratched that idea. I couldn't face the thought of baking, sooooo the healthy Purim was born. On a paper plate we put an apple, cut up veggies, dip, and a small water bottle. That's it. No cute poems either-just a label that says "Have a happy and HEALTHY Purim" which I convinced/forced my 8 year old to write. And that's it. If I was talented I would have a picture but I don't. I'm at work anyway so I guess it doesn't really matter. I think everyone can picture what it looks like.

I know I have done a lot of joking around about how much I don't like this holiday. It's true it's not my fav, but I would still like to be inspired and feel connected to the spirituality of the day. I feel like that is always the challenge; as a mom I am pulled in so many directions there is not always enough left for my own spiritual needs. Not sure how I am going to manage the inspiration part but I am sure I will hear a nice D'var Torah (word of Torah) at the Seudah (meal).

I hope everyone has a super Purim filled with food and inspiration!