Discouraged.

I know it has been a long time since I blogged, probably no one is reading this anymore. But that's ok. I am just writing for myself now.

I am feeling discouraged. About a lot of things. This is a hard time of year to be a teacher-all the standardized testing makes students and teachers feel yucky. So much rides on these tests that everyone feels stressed and irritated for most of the time. So that's one thing.

Then there's the fact of the pregnant 8th grader in my school. Who basically thinks it's a big joke. This bothers me on so many levels I can't even begin to talk about it. Maybe another time.

Then there's the fact that I had to have a "group therapy session" with my students this morning because they are embarrassed that I take them out of their regular class for testing. The irony is other non special ed kids ask me to take them! I thought I was doing a good job of inclusion, helping all students feel accepted and know that they are getting what they need to be successful and apparently I'm not. Even though I am in a small school and have so much involvement with ALL the students, it doesn't seem to matter. I guess middle schoolers are just insecure by nature but I am bothered by these comments. They think they are treated so differently, when the reality is that the modifications I make for them are so minor and they are even given to other students without IEP's very often! Now I need to figure out how to address this issue.

Then there's the fact that after all these work headaches and issues, we teachers are getting based right and left in the media! That just adds to the discouraging feelings because it doesn't seem like we are valued for what we do. The way society views education definitely filters down to the students and kids and we lose a lot of respect both in and out of the classroom. It feels like we are fighting an uphill battle every day!

Then there's the fact that the world revolves around money. My husband and I work hard for our money and don't lead extravagant lifestyles by any means. We use coupons and look for the best deals on things before we buy them. We don't take vacations or even go to movies. And yet, every year it is a struggle to figure out school tuition. When people might hear how much our salaries are they might have a misperception of how much money we actually have. When you pay a mortgage, property tax, tuition/babysitting for 4 kids, utilities, car payments, food, copays for medicine/dr. appts-2 of my kids are on VERY expensive medication that runs a few hundred a month (and I am sure there are things I am forgetting) it really adds up. Now, I know we are better off than most and am very grateful for what I have. But when you live in a community that has certain requirements (and I use that word on purpose-I am not even talking about fancy sheitels/jewelry, or those kinds of things) like making Pesach, tuition, every other Yom Tov, modest clothing, etc. it becomes very hard to support a larger family on what seems to be a large salary. Especially when you do not get help from anywhere. For example, when I have a baby in less than 2 months, I will only get 1 paycheck when I take maternity leave. Because that's the amount of sick days I have. We are trying to prepare now for that time but we NEED my paycheck. So it makes me wonder what other people do. Not for comparing's sake but it makes me wonder if other people find it hard. If we need help for something does that make us bad people for having jobs and still needing it? We don't take advantage of chesed or help but maybe that makes it look like we don't ever need it. And sometimes we do.

Anyway, that's my rant for now. Maybe it will help me feel better. Because I would like to feel better about all of these things. Maybe if I start sleeping it will help too. I have just been so uncomfortable lately, but that goes with the territory. I'm not even sure this whole post made sense in my sleep deprived state.

If you're reading this, hopefully you're less discouraged than me!

Worrywart

Disclaimer: Although I would like to have some personal life and not air all my dirty laundry on this blog, I think it will benefit me to write about this.


This week has been rough so far and it isn't even finished yet. My husband's grandfather passed away Monday evening and Y flew out at 2 am to get to California where the funeral would be.


And I lost it.



I feel pulled in so many directions and have so many things going on at the same time. I need help just to manage my everyday life. I am not a person who is supermom, super employee, super volunteer all at the same time. When my husband left so suddenly I felt bereft and lost. My anxiety overtook me.



I have always been a worrier. I can worry about big things just as easily as little things.

"What will the kids wear on Shabbos?"

"What should I make for dinner?"

"What if my boss doesn't like me?"

"What if someone I love gets sick?"

You get the idea. I read directions 12x before I drive someplace unfamiliar. I try to anticipate every situation so I can be prepared. I am not spontaneous, don't like surprises (even good ones), and am really not a flexible person. I pretend to be but I like advance notice and being warned ahead of time. So, even though Y's grandfather was on hospice and we knew it was coming soon I was still shocked. Shocked that it happened and shocked that Y would leave so quickly. And it triggered anxiety that I have never,ever before felt so physically.


I will spare you all the gory details but the anxiety just took over. I couldn't do anything else-it was paralyzing. I had a really hard time breathing and thinking. It felt like a rock was on my chest, I could only take shallow breaths. I had to sit down.


So, how to manage this? It seems I have a predisposition to being uptight and anxious about details (life). Someone recommended a book to me called Garden of Emunah (faith). Which I am going to read and post about at a later date. But it does bring up an interesting point. I know that Hashem controls everything AND that everything happens for a reason. But I only seem to know it with my head and not my heart. I don't FEEL it the way that I should. If I did, then I would be able to shrug things off and give the worry back to Hashem.


Well, maybe the book will help me get to that point. And I know I am oversimplifying things-emunah (faith/trust) is more complicated than the way I am explaining it.


I am done being brutually honest, for now. Thank G-d Y is coming home tonight!

My love/hate relationship with Sundays

Sundays are supposed to be calm, relaxing fun-filled days to spend with my kids.



It never seems to turn out that way though.



All week long we have a schedule and routine and then Sunday comes and throws everything haywire. An aimless day that never seems to have enough time in it.


As a working mom, I try hard to keep things running smoothly. Every spare moment is utilized to the full extent. Of course, nothing goes perfectly all the time but I really try hard not to waste time. And because I work, Sundays are full of errands, laundry, other chores, and menu planning. Things that I have a hard time doing during the week because of time constraints or because I am just plain exhausted. I try to fit fun things in for the kids but I usually fall short.


So, often I hate Sundays. The fact that I have the possibility of "freedom" and "fun" and almost never get to experience those things make me a little bitter. And then I take that out on my husband and kids. Not good.


This week I decided to do something for myself. I have been trying to get up the motivation to start exercising and I finally started! I ran (read mostly walked fast) for about 40 minutes. It felt great. I hope to be able to continue doing it at least 2x a week, maybe more. Maybe it will restore my sanity. Maybe not. But at least I will have tried (and hopefully lose some weight in the process).


If my sanity doesn't return, maybe I'll try a cleaning lady next!

May 5

Today was my grandmother's birthday. When she passed away 5 years ago her death was my first real adult experience with the death of someone close to me who I loved. She lived a long life (she met 5 great-grand kids) that ended as a result of her battle with lung cancer.

Some things I remember about her:

She loved to eat.

She was generous and always bought my sister and I things that my mom wouldn't.

She loved to read romance novels.

She raised 2 wonderful daughters and taught them how to be great moms.

She wasn't afraid to state her opinion, to hell what other people thought.

She always had her nails and hair done.

She stayed with us for 2 weeks after Lulu was born and held her and held her. She loved babies.

She told me stories about what life was like growing up in Vermont with lots of brothers and sisters.

She had great jewelry and she used to let me look in her jewelry box when I would visit her.

She always had M&M's or some other type of chocolate in her house.

I miss her. I feel her presence a lot. Even more now that Baby M is named after her. Sometimes Baby M looks at me a certain way and I just see my grandmother in her so clearly.

I wish my kids would have had a chance to know her and make some memories with her.

This video inspired me and comforted me today. Her words capture everything that I need/want to say. I hope it inspires you too.

We love and miss you, Grandma.

It's a Diffferent World, than where you come from

Cue the music. . . Maybe this is an obscure reference but anyone who watched the sitcom "A Different World" in the 90's would know that it was part of their theme song.


I had an interesting conversation with a student today that really reminded me that even though we live in the same city, we really live in 2 DIFFERENT worlds. I am going to provide a little background because even if you know what I do, you might not really know.


I am a special education resource/inclusion teacher for students in grades 5th-8th. That means I pull kids out to help them and I also go into classrooms to help them and the teacher. I write IEP's, test students, and go to meetings. My students have many different diagnoses. They vary including but not limited to: learning disabled, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and other mental health diagnoses. I work in an urban public school that is primarily African-American and Hispanic. Many of my students get free or reduced lunch and the only food they eat for the day are the meals the school provides.


I have always known that we occupy 2 different worlds. I am married (many of their parents are not) and am part of a 2 parent household. I live my life according to religious principles which influence my values, morals, and ethics. These kids live by one word: SURVIVE (out on the streets). Whatever you need to do survive, that is how you live.



Today's conversation was even more eye-opening. Without going into any specifics or identifying details, an 8th grader told me that if the doesn't graduate 8th grade(he will have to go to an achievement academy-sort of preliminary high school) he will drop out. He continued talking and said that he is in an afterschool program( I think he is court-ordered to go, assume what you will) and he said that out of the 7 other boys that are there, half of them will be dead and the other half in jail in 10 years time. This was stated in a matter of fact way. This is his expectation for his life , his future. I told him it didn't have to be that way. His reply: "Mrs. B, everyone dies or goes to jail." Uh, not quite. However, in his reality that is probably true. Scary. I have been working this profession for years-it takes a lot to rattle me. The way he was describing his life RATTLED me.


He doesn't think he has choices. He doesn't think those choices influence his future. But he does and they do! It's pretty normal teenage behavior to think you are invincible. To think you can get away with things. But the stakes are so much higher when gangs, drugs, and violence are involved.



What I struggle with: How do I make him understand this? How do I help him see this? I am left with this feeling of failure about this boy who could make something of his life. The irony is that he is smart and very capable of learning. But already by 8th grade (probably even earlier) the streets have caught him.



I care about my students so much. Sometimes more than they care about themselves. Sometimes more than their parents or guardians care about them. I want the best for them but sometimes it feels like we live on different planets that speak different languages. I wish I could speak their language so they could understand.

Facing hardship

I have been writing and re-writing this post for 5 days. I just can't seem to get it written the way I want it.





In our lives we face many different kinds of hardship. Right now I have a sinus infection and a strained shoulder muscle (which is basically the whole left side of my back). Just in time for Pesach. So I am pushing through and working through the pain (drugs-I mean prescription medicine does help).











But what about other hardship? The kind that medicine can't help. I've been meaning to post about this for awhile and just have not had the emotional space to do it. But on another blog I read, she just posted about her 5 month old baby who is sick. Really sick. With a heart problem.







When I read about situations like this it makes me want to cry. Because I just want to take away the other person's pain. No parent should ever have to see their child in pain. Having gone through many losses at various stages of pregnancy, I wish that no one would ever have to experience something so devastating.





It is a hard topic to write about but something inside me needs to write/share about loss and grief. We all go through it. For many of us our grief is so personal that we don't want to share it, we don't want to tell others, we just want to get over it. Stop thinking about it. In my experience that doesn't happen. We don't get over it. We carry it with us even when we move on and go on about our lives.





But I think moving on and getting over something are two different things. Life keeps going even when you feel like falling apart. But getting over "it" means to me that you no longer have those feelings. Which I don't think that any person who has gone through a crisis or trauma does-stop feeling? Not possible.





Sharing all my intimate details with cyberspace makes me a little nervous but in the interest of helping, I will. Because suffering alone and in silence is worse than suffering with others. And there are many others out there who have stories similar to mine. Unfortunately, my story is not unique.

I have been pregnant 7 times and have 4 children. Two pregnancies were lost relatively early (9 weeks and 11 weeks). My second pregnancy ended at 21 weeks. All were life-changing events. And here in lies the craziness of trauma, pain, grief or whatever you want to call it. I would never, ever want to go through these experiences but they have made me who I am and helped me acquire wisdom that I otherwise would not have gotten.

And Rach-this is for you-these experiences brought me closer to G-d. My relationship to HaShem is stronger and more intense because of the pain that I went through. I learned deep in my bones that Hashem is the one in control. Of course, I knew that before but I didn't know it. Knowing that whatever Hashem does is for the best even if it doesn't seem that way is a hard lesson to learn. But I am stronger in my emunah (faith) for it.

For reasons unknown to me, those neshomas (souls) had a purpose for being here even for the short time that they were here. And I had to be the one to bring that about. And that has brought me some comfort.

Life is messy. But I am grateful for all the brachos (blessings) that Hashem has given me!

Overwhelmingly overwhelmed!

I wasn't going to post anything today but I think maybe if I get these thoughts out I will feel better.

I am overwhelmed. Here is my list of why:

1. Purim-shaloch manos. I have the idea of what to give out and it is simple but just actually implementing it makes me want to crawl in bed under the covers and not come out.

2. I think my kids don't have school next Wednesday and I just realized it last night. What am I going to do with them? Who is going to watch them?

3. I need to find a babysitter for baby M and Little T when my regular babysitter has a baby which is probably happening in 2 weeks.

4. Pesach is rapidly approaching and my house is a disaster area! How will I ever get it ready in time? I can barely cook, do laundry, and wash dishes on a regular basis. I will probably have to call in some reinforcements.

I know there are more items for this list but these are the biggies. I have been living in denial about the babysitter situation and it is not pleasant to leave that comfy fantasy place (in my head) where everything in my life always goes smoothly!

Other factors contributing to my overwhelmed state of being:

Lately, I have been feeling anxious about things I have said or done. One of the things contributing to my anxiety is leaving comments on other people's blogs. I worry that I haven't said the "right" thing. Or that it can be misconstrued. The computer is such an impersonal and imperfect way to communicate-I find difficult to convey tone and meaning. Part of the reason I worry is that I don't want to offend anyone, in real life I usually only share strong opinions with people who know me well. And I am new to this and worry that sometimes people don't understand what I mean. Does anyone else ever feel this?

Or am I crazy?

It's ok, you can tell me. I can take it.

I need some encouragement

Edited/Update:

First, thanks for all the great advice and support. Being a mom is all about knowing you have support and getting advice and I feel really blessed to know you guys are out there. Sometimes it just feels better to know you are not alone!

I use a medela pump in style from when my oldest was born, it could be that it is not working as well but I really don't think so.

Shira-don't feel bad pumping when he is this small is the smart thing to do! I should have done that when I was engorged but I couldn't get my act together.

Anita-it is great to have your perspective since you are the one feeding her the bottles. Thanks for the encouragement and you know I am all about making your life easier when you are taking care of my rambunctious children.

I do try to read and relax when I pump and that does help, I think this week I have been feeling more stress and anxiety and I am sure that is affecting my milk supply. Thanks for reminding me about food, she just had her 4 month check-up so we will be starting that relatively soon.

And that brings me to the update portion: M is 12lbs and in the 25th percentile for weight and the 75th percentile for height (could I have possibly made a tall child?). She is meeting all developmental milestones and ithe doctor says she is doing great. So really I am thankful to Hashem that everything is going well and that she is growing. And that is the MOST important thing!

Help!



Disclaimer: If you are a man (and you know who you are) please stop reading. This is a topic that pertains to women and if you keep reading don't say you weren't warned. In fact, if you are a woman who has not had children you might want to stop now too.

Ok, here goes: I need help with breastfeeding and pumping. It is so hard!

I am committed to nursing my baby for as long as I can (or at least until teeth, whichever comes first) but I am having a hard time with the pumping. I knew there would come a point where I wouldn't be able to keep up with her but I didn't think it would come so soon. She is 4 months old this week and she is already needing an extra bottle of formula throughout the day.

Let me give some background: I pump 2x a day and usually get 6- 8 oz. My body just has a hard time keeping up with the demand just by pumping. I pump in my locked classroom, once in the morning and once at lunchtime. I am always rushing and usually have a very limited amount of time to pump.

In the past I alway had to give up pumping from around 9 months to 5 months (depending on the child). But that has always meant giving up breastfeeding for good-the other girls were all or nothing. It was all formula or all nursing, but not some of each. I am not ready for that to happen yet. I enjoy feeding the baby (most of the time). I am not ready to give up the time we spend together.

So here are some of the tricks I have heard for keeping your milk supply up:

1. drink mother's milk tea

2. take fenugreek-until you smell like maple syrup and should probably go move to Vermont

3. eat oatmeal

4. brewer's yeast-either in beer or as a supplement

5. drink enough water

6. feed the baby frequently as supply correlates to demand

I know all of this in my head (and I have been following all this advice) but I am having a difficult time staying motivated to continue. My supply doesn't seem to increase as a result of all these "interventions."I certainly want M to get all the benefits of breastmilk and I would like to have the benefits of not having to pay for formula and not getting my "friend." But I would like my body (and brain back). Especially if I feel like I am going through all this effort for what feels like a minimal amount of "liquid gold."

So it's a balance but I find it impossible to find the right balance. If I stop pumping I know I will feel guilty for not giving M the best of what she needs. But if I keep going I struggle with the resentment of having to do it at all.

So I am asking for help. Anything you feel might help would be welcome. Anything you might have learned along the way and think is worth sharing I would looooove to hear.

I feel blah

Not much has gone in the past few days to write about. The kids are being themselves-one minute they love each other and the next they can't stand to be in the same room. That means I need to pay constant attention to them. Which also means I can't seem to muster up any energy to get anything done when I know I am going to be interrupted every 2 minutes anyway.

So that's right, I feel blah.

I should be excited about this warmer weather we are having but I just keep thinking that the cold is going to come back anyway.

I should be excited that I am going to visit my family with just the baby but all I think about is packing- UGH.

I should be excited that I only have 3 days to work this week but all I can think about is all the work that I need to finish before the week is over.

I hate it when I feel this way because when I don't stay on top of things then they pile up and pile up until there are mountains of things to do (laundry, errands, etc). Hopefully, I can get out of this funk!!

Guilty as charged

I have been thinking a lot about guilt lately. I'm not sure why-guilt is always a part of my daily life. Why am I writing about it now? I don't know. I just know that I constantly feel guilt in all aspects of my life. No matter what I do I feel like I am cheating something or someone else out of something.

When I 'm at work I feel like I am being less of a mom. When I am at work and thinking about my kids I feel like I am doing a disservice to my students. When I am focusing on my husband, I feel like I should be paying attention to my kids. When I am playing with my kids, I should spend time with my husband. When I am reading a book, I should be cleaning my house. When I am cleaning the house I should be playing with the baby. Tonight I should be at a parent meeting for my first grader and I'm not. So I feel guilty. And the list goes on and on and on. . .

I can make myself feel guilty about the littlest things-like buying a coffee when I am trying to save money. But I can't seem to stop doing the actions or feeling guilty. Maybe I like to feel bad? Maybe I feel like feeling like a martyr?

I have a wonderful husband who never makes me feel guilty. I do that all on my own. He encourages me to be easier on myself and let go of the little things. Live my life. But I have never been good at letting things go.

For tonight I am going to let go of the guilt that goes along with not going to the parent meeting. I don't really want to go. I speak to the teachers all the time anyway. Am I less of a parent for not going? I hope not!