Hiatus. . . gap. . .interval. . . pause

Call it what you will. I have been gone from this blog a looooooong time. None of the title words totally describes my lack of attention to blogging but it's the best I can do.


Today is really the first time in a long time that I have had time and the mental energy to write anything.


I definitely underestimated the impact starting a new job would have on my life. And I don't mean that in a bad way-it has just been very different. The whole family has adjusted to a new routine, mainly because my hours changed so drastically from last year. I have to be at work by 7:30 and finish at 1:45. I actually really like this change-I am not responsible for the morning rush at all (thanks honey!!!) and get to work early and actually have some time there to get stuff done. However, I do take care of the afternoons (carpool, dinner, gymnastics, etc.) and that means that by 7:00 I am ready to go to bed. Don't tell anyone but sometimes I actually do! That's what happens when your day starts at 5 or 5:30!


So I have never been one for easy adjustments and this is no exception. Additionally, I have been learning the ropes of my new school. Even though my job description is the same, it's kind of like starting from scratch with new people and some different expectations. I also have been doing a lot more work at home (darn these long IEP's). I also have to write these documents for a new population for me-what we call non-attending students. Which is exactly what it sounds like-students that do not attend my school but they do attend a private school in the area. I could go on and on about this, but I don't want to bore anyone with the details. It is just a lot of paperwork for a student I don't know or service in any way. It is making me a little bitter especially because I actually like to teach (imagine that!!!) and all the paperwork and meetings take away from that.


Enough about work. What else is new in my life? I have been reading a lot lately, anything and everything I can get my hands on. I just discovered Half-price books and sold a ton of books so I could buy more :). I made $12! I actually finished the trilogy by Suzanne Collins starting with The Hunger Games and all of them were amazing. And I don't say that lightly (I don't usually like to read young adult books or fantasy so it started with 2 strikes against it). I was totally enthralled and engrossed! I would definitely recommend it!!


So that's the latest update hopefully, I will be better at blogging!

I love. . . and a question

warm, sunny days

long naps on Shabbos

cake, bread, muffins, scones, or any carb laden food

quiet

a long novel with lots left to read

time to read the long novel

all the work and parenting that my husband does around here

when my kids make me laugh

And now for my question-really bad allergies have been acting up: sneezing, runny nose, etc. Anybody had good luck with an over the counter allergy med? Benadryl works but then I am comatose for hours after. I need something that will help but not require a bed in the immediate vicinity. Any thoughts would be appreciated!

Pics, Pics, and more Pics

I am not a domestic person. My mom used to worry about me when I was younger that I would never be able to cook for myself much less anybody else. And forget about laundry. I just could never figure out how to do it (even with a cheat sheet hung up next to the machine).



But necessity is the mother of invention and all that. . . So now I cook and bake and have actually gotten pretty good at it. But I am not "Suzy Homemaker" and come home from a long day of work and make super exciting food because I enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. I do it. Because I have to. Or we would starve. And I would get arrested for neglecting my children.



But every once in a while comes an occasion that brings out my creativity. And so I present to you. . . my version of a rainbow cake (the cake is even made from scratch)!! Now I am NOT a perfectionist and do not want to be one. And I was not trying to copy anything else except for the colors. It is MY attempt at this type of cake and I am pretty proud that I pulled it off (thanks, honey for the help!!)

Here are 2 parts of the cake in the process of being put together. There were also yellow and blue but I got tired of taking pictures.

Here is the finished cake. It's for 2 of the girls because their birthdays are 3 days apart. So they have a combined party. I did the writing on the cake-I think I am getting better at it!

Side view of the cake.

And here is a cute pic of the baby I just took a few days ago. We are in the "up the stairs, down the stairs" stage. I just looooooove that face!!

Hopefully, I'll get a up a few more pics later. That's all for my creativity for now.

The risks of the job

The setting: my classroom

The when: 2 days ago

The situation: A student, coming from another class, entered my room dancing and singing. I proceeded to say to him "stop acting a fool and get to work." I was not attempting to be funny or use slang to get his attention. It seems that phrase "acting a fool" has made it into my everyday, run-of-the-mill vocabulary.

Uh-oh, what other expressions do I use on a daily basis that make people look at me funny?

I hope nothing too terrible!

It's a little scary to think I might start sounding like my students. Shouldn't it be the other way around-they should start to sound like me! Although, I would be happy if I could just get them to stop sticking "be" in a sentence where it doesn't belong.

So, here's a request: If you see me around, please ignore any and all inappropriate language you might hear come out of my mouth, as I am surrounded by middle schoolers all day long, 5 days a week.

They were bound to rub off on me some time!

Yikes!!

Even though it seems like I forgot about this blog, I really haven't!!

Just busy. Oh, and every time I come up with a topic it's usually when I am falling asleep and then I forget about my genius inspiration!! Like the acrostic I was making about snow.

Stupid
Nasty
Over the top
Weather

I think that was what I thought. But then I thought that I would prefer snow over 7 degree weather any day. I didn't want to dis snow too much. Because that bone-crushing cold that freezes your nose hairs just is too unpleasant!

------------------------

I might have previously mentioned that my 7th and 8th grade students are learning about he Holocaust. Last week the 8th graders participated in a very moving lesson that the language arts teacher planned. We put a quote up on the board from Charles Dent:

"We in the United States should be all the more thankful for the freedom and religious tolerance we enjoy. And we should always remember the lessons learned from the Holocaust, in hopes we stay vigilant against such inhumanity now and in the future. "

We passed out post-it notes and had the students write 3 ways they could improve or grow (and to be honest about it). I wrote one too. Then the students got up in front of the class and were able to share something they had written. Some kids apologized to specific peers that they previously made fun of. Others talked about taking responsibility for their actions, etc. You get the idea. My main focus on my post-it is that I that I need to learn how to be more assertive with my peers and colleagues. I am putting it out here so I can hold myself accountable. People who know my IRL know that I intensely dislike confrontation. (Funny that I picked special ed, where I confront children all day long-but that's a topic for a different time). I have recently realized that I also don't want to be disliked by others, so often I don't share something that is in disagreement with others. But that needs to change.

I have already had 2 opportunities at work to improve on this character trait. One involved advocating for my students involving a potentially harmful situation. I wrote an assertive e-mail (with assistance!) and that spurred the powers that be to take action. I will admit to feeling proud of myself about that.

The other situation was simply a difference of opinion with a general ed teacher. Which will always be the case-we are coming from 2 different viewpoints. And in a school setting it is good and puts a balance in the system to have both those viewpoints. But I felt uncomfortable speaking my opinion. But I did it. And I am learning not to care so much about what others think of me. (I should be past this at 32 years old, but I guess there is always room to change)!

It's always nice when the topics I am teaching apply to me as well!

I'll end now-I am rushing off to a professional development (tons of meetings lately).

But remind me to tell you my complaint about the Holocaust museum (I had a meeting there last week).

Random but interesting facts about me

Nothing interesting has happened lately.

I did get the book from the library, haven't started reading it yet-I was thinking the end of Oct. for discussion?

So, I thought maybe I would tell you some things about myself that you do not know. Except I just re-read my 16 Things About Me post and now have to rack my brain to think of other things. Am I really that boring? I just might be.

Let's see:

1. I HATE scary movies. And I mean HATE. Ever since I saw Silence of the Lambs. Terrifying. I hate that feeling.


2. Speaking of things I hate and am scared of I have an irrational fear of moths. Not butterflies, just moths. They are so quiet and sneak up on you and then flutter around. I find it creepy.


3. I get really enthusiastic when I teach and often make a fool of myself in front of my students. I dance around, say silly things and just act weird. They seem to like it and it gets them to do their work. So it's all good.


4. I don't enjoy driving at night. I feel like a little old lady but it's true. The glare of the lights bothers my eyes.


5. Speaking of eyes, I am freaked out by any medical procedure having to do with eyes. I am not a squeamish person (I even watch them take my blood) but anything having to do with eyes freaks me out.


6. I like to make desserts but don't often eat them. I like to have them in my house, ready and available, if I might want to eat them. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Oh, and bakery items are not the same-they need to be homemade. My husband has learned to accept it and doesn't argue with me anymore when I make extra desserts.


7. Almost every room in our house is painted a different color. There is not one white room in the house. That's because when we lived in our apt. and then when we bought our house we ONLY had white walls and hated them. So now we have rooms that are orange, olive green, and red among others.


8. My mom made me take a typing class in high school even though I didn't want to. It was one of the smartest things I ever did. (I think watching adults hunt and peck on the keyboard is funny). Thanks, Mom!


9. Big groups of people make me nervous.


10. I love bargain shopping and rarely buy anything NOT on sale. Food, clothes, anything. It's sort of my own competition with myself. I do like to shop though, so I probably don't end up saving much money overall.


11. I remember my first "bad" grade. I was in 4th grade and I got a C in grammar. I still do not like grammar and I don't like teaching it either. Who needs proper English when you can say things like "finna"(I will give points to whoever knows what that means!)?


12. I don't appreciate music but I try really hard because my husband is very musical and it means a lot to him. But a lot of music sounds the same to me (although after 11 years of marriage I have grown a true appreciation for Metallica).


That's all I got. Wait, that's not proper-it should be: that's all I have. But that just doesn't sound as good!

Worrywart

Disclaimer: Although I would like to have some personal life and not air all my dirty laundry on this blog, I think it will benefit me to write about this.


This week has been rough so far and it isn't even finished yet. My husband's grandfather passed away Monday evening and Y flew out at 2 am to get to California where the funeral would be.


And I lost it.



I feel pulled in so many directions and have so many things going on at the same time. I need help just to manage my everyday life. I am not a person who is supermom, super employee, super volunteer all at the same time. When my husband left so suddenly I felt bereft and lost. My anxiety overtook me.



I have always been a worrier. I can worry about big things just as easily as little things.

"What will the kids wear on Shabbos?"

"What should I make for dinner?"

"What if my boss doesn't like me?"

"What if someone I love gets sick?"

You get the idea. I read directions 12x before I drive someplace unfamiliar. I try to anticipate every situation so I can be prepared. I am not spontaneous, don't like surprises (even good ones), and am really not a flexible person. I pretend to be but I like advance notice and being warned ahead of time. So, even though Y's grandfather was on hospice and we knew it was coming soon I was still shocked. Shocked that it happened and shocked that Y would leave so quickly. And it triggered anxiety that I have never,ever before felt so physically.


I will spare you all the gory details but the anxiety just took over. I couldn't do anything else-it was paralyzing. I had a really hard time breathing and thinking. It felt like a rock was on my chest, I could only take shallow breaths. I had to sit down.


So, how to manage this? It seems I have a predisposition to being uptight and anxious about details (life). Someone recommended a book to me called Garden of Emunah (faith). Which I am going to read and post about at a later date. But it does bring up an interesting point. I know that Hashem controls everything AND that everything happens for a reason. But I only seem to know it with my head and not my heart. I don't FEEL it the way that I should. If I did, then I would be able to shrug things off and give the worry back to Hashem.


Well, maybe the book will help me get to that point. And I know I am oversimplifying things-emunah (faith/trust) is more complicated than the way I am explaining it.


I am done being brutually honest, for now. Thank G-d Y is coming home tonight!

My love/hate relationship with Sundays

Sundays are supposed to be calm, relaxing fun-filled days to spend with my kids.



It never seems to turn out that way though.



All week long we have a schedule and routine and then Sunday comes and throws everything haywire. An aimless day that never seems to have enough time in it.


As a working mom, I try hard to keep things running smoothly. Every spare moment is utilized to the full extent. Of course, nothing goes perfectly all the time but I really try hard not to waste time. And because I work, Sundays are full of errands, laundry, other chores, and menu planning. Things that I have a hard time doing during the week because of time constraints or because I am just plain exhausted. I try to fit fun things in for the kids but I usually fall short.


So, often I hate Sundays. The fact that I have the possibility of "freedom" and "fun" and almost never get to experience those things make me a little bitter. And then I take that out on my husband and kids. Not good.


This week I decided to do something for myself. I have been trying to get up the motivation to start exercising and I finally started! I ran (read mostly walked fast) for about 40 minutes. It felt great. I hope to be able to continue doing it at least 2x a week, maybe more. Maybe it will restore my sanity. Maybe not. But at least I will have tried (and hopefully lose some weight in the process).


If my sanity doesn't return, maybe I'll try a cleaning lady next!

Skeptical

Lately I have been telling lots of people that I blog.


Their responses have been pretty telling-those who don't blog don't think much of the blogging world. They can be downright skeptical. In fact, I had the same response just a few short months ago. I didn't understand or see the point of blogging.


But my views have changed a lot since I started reading blogs and then starting my own.


I am a naturally nosy person so reading blogs about other people's lives fits right in line with my nosiness. It was just a matter of time.



On the other hand, I actually hated writing when I was in school. I looooove to read and talk about books but I couldn't stand putting my own ideas on paper. I could never find the right words and I hated having to write a specific length just to get a good grade. Who had time for verb tenses or not using the word "you" in your paper?


I am reformed however. Writing this blog has helped me process things in my life that I would normally whine about or just gloss over. It has encouraged me to be "present" (my sister the yoga teacher is constantly encouraging this) during moments both big and small throughout my life. (Usually so I can write about them later).



I am reflecting more on those moments which brings me clarity and is what I like to call "free therapy." I feel calmer and more at peace with things as I write about them. And I get support from people I know and from people I don't. That support is huge, otherwise I could just write in a journal and keep it hidden.



I am also proud of what I write. Sometimes I read what I wrote a few times; I feel like I am in love with words I wrote. Maybe I sound a little crazy, does anybody else do this? Re-read what they wrote just because they like the way they said something? I have never considered writing one of my strengths and so when I write something I consider "good" I like to enjoy it and read it over a few thousand times.


So to all those skeptics out there: don't knock it until you try it!

If moms ran the government

If moms ran the government things would be done a lot more efficiently. Why do I say this? Because we can multi-task. Because when we have only small amounts of time we make sure to use that time wisely.

Yesterday I had report card pick-up day at work. That meant that my hours changed, I didn't need to be at work until noon but I had to stay til 6:15. So I had the morning to either waste time or get some things done.

Here is a run-down of what I did yesterday BEFORE I even got to work:

1. Got my kids ready for the babysitter and school and drove carpool.

2. Cleaned a bathroom

3. Unloaded a dishwasher and reloaded it

4. Folded 3 loads of laundry

5. Pumped

6. Stopped at Jewel to get lunch.

Then I got myself to work on time and then did a full day's work. Now I am not writing this to show off although that would be nice. But my point is that I AM NOT a supermom. I am not any better than other moms-we all do things like this all the time. Moms multi-task and know how to get things done in the shortest amount of time possible. Because time is at a premium and should not be wasted! And if you don't do things that need doing then you are left with an overwhelming, crazy mess!

Which is what I keep trying to explain to my wonderful husband. Who after 10 years still doesn't understand fully. Which is not his fault-he's not a mom. He doesn't understand why I keep doing things around the house instead of relax. He doesn't understand why I do the dishes when there are only a few in the sink. He doesn't understand why I like to put things away where they belong instead of anywhere I feel like it. Because at the end of the day I am the one who is responsible for keeping our house in order. Now, I don't want to make it sound like I do everything and my husband does nothing. We both work full-time and we share the household responsibilities or we would not survive. He is immensely helpful in all areas pertaining to the house but he just doesn't feel the urgency the way that I do.

I am also making myself sound like a neat freak, which I am not (if you saw my house you would agree) but I do need some order. And that is why moms should run our gov't. Because we are all about order and efficiency. Imagine when something needs to be done-it gets done. Not in weeks, months, or years, but NOW when it needs to be done.

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox. For now. Because you know I can be on my soapbox and do ten other things at the same time.

Facing hardship

I have been writing and re-writing this post for 5 days. I just can't seem to get it written the way I want it.





In our lives we face many different kinds of hardship. Right now I have a sinus infection and a strained shoulder muscle (which is basically the whole left side of my back). Just in time for Pesach. So I am pushing through and working through the pain (drugs-I mean prescription medicine does help).











But what about other hardship? The kind that medicine can't help. I've been meaning to post about this for awhile and just have not had the emotional space to do it. But on another blog I read, she just posted about her 5 month old baby who is sick. Really sick. With a heart problem.







When I read about situations like this it makes me want to cry. Because I just want to take away the other person's pain. No parent should ever have to see their child in pain. Having gone through many losses at various stages of pregnancy, I wish that no one would ever have to experience something so devastating.





It is a hard topic to write about but something inside me needs to write/share about loss and grief. We all go through it. For many of us our grief is so personal that we don't want to share it, we don't want to tell others, we just want to get over it. Stop thinking about it. In my experience that doesn't happen. We don't get over it. We carry it with us even when we move on and go on about our lives.





But I think moving on and getting over something are two different things. Life keeps going even when you feel like falling apart. But getting over "it" means to me that you no longer have those feelings. Which I don't think that any person who has gone through a crisis or trauma does-stop feeling? Not possible.





Sharing all my intimate details with cyberspace makes me a little nervous but in the interest of helping, I will. Because suffering alone and in silence is worse than suffering with others. And there are many others out there who have stories similar to mine. Unfortunately, my story is not unique.

I have been pregnant 7 times and have 4 children. Two pregnancies were lost relatively early (9 weeks and 11 weeks). My second pregnancy ended at 21 weeks. All were life-changing events. And here in lies the craziness of trauma, pain, grief or whatever you want to call it. I would never, ever want to go through these experiences but they have made me who I am and helped me acquire wisdom that I otherwise would not have gotten.

And Rach-this is for you-these experiences brought me closer to G-d. My relationship to HaShem is stronger and more intense because of the pain that I went through. I learned deep in my bones that Hashem is the one in control. Of course, I knew that before but I didn't know it. Knowing that whatever Hashem does is for the best even if it doesn't seem that way is a hard lesson to learn. But I am stronger in my emunah (faith) for it.

For reasons unknown to me, those neshomas (souls) had a purpose for being here even for the short time that they were here. And I had to be the one to bring that about. And that has brought me some comfort.

Life is messy. But I am grateful for all the brachos (blessings) that Hashem has given me!

Tagged

I was tagged today by my lovely sister and as part of the game-playing process, I must find: 1 picture, 1 poem, 1 song, 1 quote, 1 item of clothing, 1 place and 1 disney princess. And then I must tag 6 more bloggers-in-crime. So here goes:

1. The picture(s) of my kids( I didn't have a pic of just one of all of them on the computer so you'll have to look at 3).
Here are the two oldest Big T and L enjoying posing for the camera.

Here is the baby M, the most laid back baby on the planet.

This is Little T, my red haired angel/devil.

2. A poem? This was a hard one but I chose to go down memory lane and pick a poem that I remembered from childhood. This is one of my favorite poems ever. In fact, anything by Shel Silverstein makes me smile.

3. I am really into Metallica right now. I would have to say that Hero of the Day is a fav. I never knew that their songs actually had such deep meaning.

4. Ok-I'm not sure if this a real quote but I have a poster saying it so someone said it sometime-"LISTEN and SILENT are spelled with the same letters." We don't listen enough!

5. Oh, I have a clothes problem-how can I choose just one item? Right now I would really like to wear sandals, flip flops or anything you can put on your feet in warm weather. I can't find a specific pair and the baby is crying so I'll leave you to imagine a pair.

6. The place? San Diego all the way! Lots of fun things to do, the greatest weather ever. Loooove it!

7. If I had to choose a Disney princess and I guess I have to or my sis might kill me, I would choose Sleeping Beauty. I can always use more sleep and she seems to have extra to go around. I also always liked her extra fairy helpers.

Fashionistas

I'm sort of scrounging around in my brain for topics to write about today. I actually have a few ideas but I don't really have the brainpower to write about anything deep. I don't want to write about Passover yet-there's plenty of time and horror stories left for that.

I spent the entire day yesterday focused on the children's clothes for the upcoming seasons and holidays. Managing the clothes of 4 children is a job unto itself. I could probably make up a name for it: child stylist manager? personal unpaid shopper? We seriously have mountains of clothes in our house even after giving some away and throwing away the stained, yucky ones. I know I am a clothes horse ( I think that means I really like clothes) but it's not just that. Spring requires a whole different wardrobe than summer and holidays require a whole different wardrobe than weekday clothes. There's also the uniforms. Don't forget about the tights and the socks-they are also essential. Then we have the hair accessories and other such paraphernalia all over the place.

Then if they grow during the season and not between seasons, it's back to the stores for more and more clothes. Now, don't get me wrong-I am truly happy my kids are growing ( we do have growing issues so I really am happy). But girls are different than boys in the religious Jewish world. They wear skirts all the time and the skirts need to cover their knees. If they grow even just a little bit, their skirts might be just that little bit toooo short. And then it needs to be replaced. Now, in a way I am lucky, I have many other girls in the family to pass the clothes onto so it will get worn. But it is not so easy to find the clothes in the first place. Regular stores at the mall don't often carry skirts that are modest enough. And the religious stores charge an arm and a leg for children's clothes. I refuse to pay a lot unless I absolutely have to. Partly because I am cheap ( I fully admit it) and partly because my kids are hard on their clothes and they often get ruined easily.

I guess dressing my kids has become a hobby. I should just embrace that fact and take comfort that my kids usually look cute and do me proud!

Overwhelmingly overwhelmed!

I wasn't going to post anything today but I think maybe if I get these thoughts out I will feel better.

I am overwhelmed. Here is my list of why:

1. Purim-shaloch manos. I have the idea of what to give out and it is simple but just actually implementing it makes me want to crawl in bed under the covers and not come out.

2. I think my kids don't have school next Wednesday and I just realized it last night. What am I going to do with them? Who is going to watch them?

3. I need to find a babysitter for baby M and Little T when my regular babysitter has a baby which is probably happening in 2 weeks.

4. Pesach is rapidly approaching and my house is a disaster area! How will I ever get it ready in time? I can barely cook, do laundry, and wash dishes on a regular basis. I will probably have to call in some reinforcements.

I know there are more items for this list but these are the biggies. I have been living in denial about the babysitter situation and it is not pleasant to leave that comfy fantasy place (in my head) where everything in my life always goes smoothly!

Other factors contributing to my overwhelmed state of being:

Lately, I have been feeling anxious about things I have said or done. One of the things contributing to my anxiety is leaving comments on other people's blogs. I worry that I haven't said the "right" thing. Or that it can be misconstrued. The computer is such an impersonal and imperfect way to communicate-I find difficult to convey tone and meaning. Part of the reason I worry is that I don't want to offend anyone, in real life I usually only share strong opinions with people who know me well. And I am new to this and worry that sometimes people don't understand what I mean. Does anyone else ever feel this?

Or am I crazy?

It's ok, you can tell me. I can take it.

I need some encouragement

Edited/Update:

First, thanks for all the great advice and support. Being a mom is all about knowing you have support and getting advice and I feel really blessed to know you guys are out there. Sometimes it just feels better to know you are not alone!

I use a medela pump in style from when my oldest was born, it could be that it is not working as well but I really don't think so.

Shira-don't feel bad pumping when he is this small is the smart thing to do! I should have done that when I was engorged but I couldn't get my act together.

Anita-it is great to have your perspective since you are the one feeding her the bottles. Thanks for the encouragement and you know I am all about making your life easier when you are taking care of my rambunctious children.

I do try to read and relax when I pump and that does help, I think this week I have been feeling more stress and anxiety and I am sure that is affecting my milk supply. Thanks for reminding me about food, she just had her 4 month check-up so we will be starting that relatively soon.

And that brings me to the update portion: M is 12lbs and in the 25th percentile for weight and the 75th percentile for height (could I have possibly made a tall child?). She is meeting all developmental milestones and ithe doctor says she is doing great. So really I am thankful to Hashem that everything is going well and that she is growing. And that is the MOST important thing!

Help!



Disclaimer: If you are a man (and you know who you are) please stop reading. This is a topic that pertains to women and if you keep reading don't say you weren't warned. In fact, if you are a woman who has not had children you might want to stop now too.

Ok, here goes: I need help with breastfeeding and pumping. It is so hard!

I am committed to nursing my baby for as long as I can (or at least until teeth, whichever comes first) but I am having a hard time with the pumping. I knew there would come a point where I wouldn't be able to keep up with her but I didn't think it would come so soon. She is 4 months old this week and she is already needing an extra bottle of formula throughout the day.

Let me give some background: I pump 2x a day and usually get 6- 8 oz. My body just has a hard time keeping up with the demand just by pumping. I pump in my locked classroom, once in the morning and once at lunchtime. I am always rushing and usually have a very limited amount of time to pump.

In the past I alway had to give up pumping from around 9 months to 5 months (depending on the child). But that has always meant giving up breastfeeding for good-the other girls were all or nothing. It was all formula or all nursing, but not some of each. I am not ready for that to happen yet. I enjoy feeding the baby (most of the time). I am not ready to give up the time we spend together.

So here are some of the tricks I have heard for keeping your milk supply up:

1. drink mother's milk tea

2. take fenugreek-until you smell like maple syrup and should probably go move to Vermont

3. eat oatmeal

4. brewer's yeast-either in beer or as a supplement

5. drink enough water

6. feed the baby frequently as supply correlates to demand

I know all of this in my head (and I have been following all this advice) but I am having a difficult time staying motivated to continue. My supply doesn't seem to increase as a result of all these "interventions."I certainly want M to get all the benefits of breastmilk and I would like to have the benefits of not having to pay for formula and not getting my "friend." But I would like my body (and brain back). Especially if I feel like I am going through all this effort for what feels like a minimal amount of "liquid gold."

So it's a balance but I find it impossible to find the right balance. If I stop pumping I know I will feel guilty for not giving M the best of what she needs. But if I keep going I struggle with the resentment of having to do it at all.

So I am asking for help. Anything you feel might help would be welcome. Anything you might have learned along the way and think is worth sharing I would looooove to hear.

Another side effect of pregnancy

I used to love roller coasters.

I used to love the teacup ride at amusement parks.

I used to love to swing on the swings at parks.



Well, my friends times have changed. Now, I cannot even fly on an airplane without retching into the barf bag! Flying into DC was one of the worst flights I have ever had-and it was not because I was flying alone with an infant. No, she was an angel. It was an hour and twenty minutes of sheer nauseating torture. It was so bad I thought of renting a car and driving 12 hours back to Chicago with a baby by myself.



Yes, the flight was turbulent at the end. But I got nauseous the minute the plane went into the air. I guess it is a holdover from being pregnant-everytime I fly when I am pregnant I throw up. But I am NOT PREGNANT and yet still have motion sickness. It just doesn't seem fair.



At the end of the flight I was actually telling myself things like:

"I had a baby with no drugs, I can do this."

"I had 2 cavities filled with no novicane, I can handle a little nausea."

"If I throw up it's not the end of the world, at least it''s a good story for the blog."

THAT IS HOW BAD I FELT!

I refuse to get back on the plane without drugs. I have some homeopathic motion sickness pills but if that doesn't work, bring on the dramamine. I don't care if I have to give the baby formula. Ok, that's not completely true but I can't feel that sick again. I just can't.



Anyone have the number for Hertz?

16 things about ME

Ok-so this is in honor of my sister. She did this on her blog and I thought it was a great idea and decided to do it on mine. Especially since I am new to this and need to introduce myself.

Here goes: 16 things about me

1. I am very short. 4 ft 10 and 3/4 in. to be exact. This really only affects me when I need to reach high things in the grocery store. Actually, it affects all parts of my life but I can't imagine being any taller.

2. I talk to process things that have happened to me and over-analyze everything.

3. I will read anything with words on it. I read constantly even if I only have 5 min. I love to read all genres of books and am especially into memoirs right now.

4. I love shopping especially for clothes (my husband made me put this one in).

5. I have 4 beautiful, energy-filled, curious daughters ranging in age from 8yrs. to 3 months. I love being a mom but it is a lot of hard work!

6. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 23 years old. I still hate parallel parking and don't like to drive to places that I am not familiar with. I do however drive on the highway when necessary.

7. My husband is from a big family and I am frequently overwhelmed when they all get together. They are great but I 'm not a huge fan of large crowds.

8. I hate change!!!

9. I have only ever worked with children in some way. I have been a camp counselor, babysitter, tutor, and teacher. I am scared of other types of jobs.

10. I grew up in a small town but now consider myself a big city girl. I have almost lived in Chicago as long as I lived in Maryland-which means I am getting older!!

11. I like neatness and consider myself organized but do have lots of stuff that I can't seem to get rid of .

12. My dad fought in WWII in the pacific. He was in the Navy and his ship sunk (he was on a minesweeper) and they were rescued by the Japanese. If he hadn't survived I wouldn't be here.

13. I am shy and nervous when I meet new people.

14. I need lots of sleep at all times to be a functional human being. This is hard when you are the mom of 4 kids-I am always trying for more sleep!

15. My secret dream is to one day be a psychiatrist.I am fascinated by the way medicine interacts with mental illnesses.

16. I am a special ed teacher and I love my job even when I hate it. I feel like I am doing something purposeful even if the outcome isn't immediate.

That's me in a nutshell.