I have been writing and re-writing this post for 5 days. I just can't seem to get it written the way I want it.
In our lives we face many different kinds of hardship. Right now I have a sinus infection and a strained shoulder muscle (which is basically the whole left side of my back). Just in time for Pesach. So I am pushing through and working through the pain (drugs-I mean prescription medicine does help).
But what about other hardship? The kind that medicine can't help. I've been meaning to post about this for awhile and just have not had the emotional space to do it. But on another blog I read, she just posted about her 5 month old baby who is sick. Really sick. With a heart problem.
When I read about situations like this it makes me want to cry. Because I just want to take away the other person's pain. No parent should ever have to see their child in pain. Having gone through many losses at various stages of pregnancy, I wish that no one would ever have to experience something so devastating.
It is a hard topic to write about but something inside me needs to write/share about loss and grief. We all go through it. For many of us our grief is so personal that we don't want to share it, we don't want to tell others, we just want to get over it. Stop thinking about it. In my experience that doesn't happen. We don't get over it. We carry it with us even when we move on and go on about our lives.
But I think moving on and getting over something are two different things. Life keeps going even when you feel like falling apart. But getting over "it" means to me that you no longer have those feelings. Which I don't think that any person who has gone through a crisis or trauma does-stop feeling? Not possible.
Sharing all my intimate details with cyberspace makes me a little nervous but in the interest of helping, I will. Because suffering alone and in silence is worse than suffering with others. And there are many others out there who have stories similar to mine. Unfortunately, my story is not unique.
In our lives we face many different kinds of hardship. Right now I have a sinus infection and a strained shoulder muscle (which is basically the whole left side of my back). Just in time for Pesach. So I am pushing through and working through the pain (drugs-I mean prescription medicine does help).
But what about other hardship? The kind that medicine can't help. I've been meaning to post about this for awhile and just have not had the emotional space to do it. But on another blog I read, she just posted about her 5 month old baby who is sick. Really sick. With a heart problem.
When I read about situations like this it makes me want to cry. Because I just want to take away the other person's pain. No parent should ever have to see their child in pain. Having gone through many losses at various stages of pregnancy, I wish that no one would ever have to experience something so devastating.
It is a hard topic to write about but something inside me needs to write/share about loss and grief. We all go through it. For many of us our grief is so personal that we don't want to share it, we don't want to tell others, we just want to get over it. Stop thinking about it. In my experience that doesn't happen. We don't get over it. We carry it with us even when we move on and go on about our lives.
But I think moving on and getting over something are two different things. Life keeps going even when you feel like falling apart. But getting over "it" means to me that you no longer have those feelings. Which I don't think that any person who has gone through a crisis or trauma does-stop feeling? Not possible.
Sharing all my intimate details with cyberspace makes me a little nervous but in the interest of helping, I will. Because suffering alone and in silence is worse than suffering with others. And there are many others out there who have stories similar to mine. Unfortunately, my story is not unique.
I have been pregnant 7 times and have 4 children. Two pregnancies were lost relatively early (9 weeks and 11 weeks). My second pregnancy ended at 21 weeks. All were life-changing events. And here in lies the craziness of trauma, pain, grief or whatever you want to call it. I would never, ever want to go through these experiences but they have made me who I am and helped me acquire wisdom that I otherwise would not have gotten.
And Rach-this is for you-these experiences brought me closer to G-d. My relationship to HaShem is stronger and more intense because of the pain that I went through. I learned deep in my bones that Hashem is the one in control. Of course, I knew that before but I didn't know it. Knowing that whatever Hashem does is for the best even if it doesn't seem that way is a hard lesson to learn. But I am stronger in my emunah (faith) for it.
For reasons unknown to me, those neshomas (souls) had a purpose for being here even for the short time that they were here. And I had to be the one to bring that about. And that has brought me some comfort.
Life is messy. But I am grateful for all the brachos (blessings) that Hashem has given me!
5 comments:
I commend you for sharing. One of the things that makes trauma so much more difficult, is not realizing how many others (unfortunately) have been in the same boat as you. While sad, there is something reassuring and healing about knowing others do go through what you have gone through. It is also what gives us compassion for what others are experiencing (like Stellan). I hear ya.
Well written Elisha. Proud of you for sharing your experiences. That is what makes women so much stronger - we can share and relate and hopefully come out better for it.
I am delirious over here with a crazy fever and another sinus infection. But I felt I had to comment.
The post is beautiful, and your words are beautiful, and the emotions are beautiful- even if they're not "happy" ones.
Grief and Loss are things that claim people forever- but in different stages. It's amazing what you've been able to do with your pain.
Thanks for the G-d part, nto everyone can be as mature as you about it though. Somepeople hate G-d after a loss- and I can totally get that. But seeing that it helped you to get closer is amazing.
Ok, I know probably none of this makes sense and people reading this are like what is that girl saying- so I am going to stop here.
great post. thanx for sharing.
btw, L looked really cute today.
I love that you shared this. I feel like a lot of times, especially in our community, we try to hide the difficult things and only put on a happy face in public because we are all so worried about what others will think, or because we feel the need to be private all the time. but its not good for us all the time, and its also not good for others because then they feel like "everyone else is perfect with nothing bad in their life, whats wrong with me?"
when the truth is, we all have struggles and pain.
also, amazing that you have taken the things you have gone through and used them to grow, instead of to be angry. i really respect that.
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