Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Disclaimer: Although I would like to have some personal life and not air all my dirty laundry on this blog, I think it will benefit me to write about this.

This week has been rough so far and it isn't even finished yet. My husband's grandfather passed away Monday evening and Y flew out at 2 am to get to California where the funeral would be.

And I lost it.

I feel pulled in so many directions and have so many things going on at the same time. I need help just to manage my everyday life. I am not a person who is supermom, super employee, super volunteer all at the same time. When my husband left so suddenly I felt bereft and lost. My anxiety overtook me.

I have always been a worrier. I can worry about big things just as easily as little things.

"What will the kids wear on Shabbos?"
"What should I make for dinner?"
"What if my boss doesn't like me?"
"What if someone I love gets sick?"

You get the idea. I read directions 12x before I drive someplace unfamiliar. I try to anticipate every situation so I can be prepared. I am not spontaneous, don't like surprises (even good ones), and am really not a flexible person. I pretend to be but I like advance notice and being warned ahead of time. So, even though Y's grandfather was on hospice and we knew it was coming soon I was still shocked. Shocked that it happened and shocked that Y would leave so quickly. And it triggered anxiety that I have never,ever before felt so physically.

I will spare you all the gory details but the anxiety just took over. I couldn't do anything else-it was paralyzing. I had a really hard time breathing and thinking. It felt like a rock was on my chest, I could only take shallow breaths. I had to sit down.

So, how to manage this? It seems I have a predisposition to being uptight and anxious about details (life). Someone recommended a book to me called Garden of Emunah (faith). Which I am going to read and post about at a later date. But it does bring up an interesting point. I know that Hashem controls everything AND that everything happens for a reason. But I only seem to know it with my head and not my heart. I don't FEEL it the way that I should. If I did, then I would be able to shrug things off and give the worry back to Hashem.

Well, maybe the book will help me get to that point. And I know I am oversimplifying things-emunah (faith/trust) is more complicated than the way I am explaining it.

I am done being brutually honest, for now. Thank G-d Y is coming home tonight!


Lisa said...

You are not the only person who feels this way...not at all!! I too get overwhelmed!! It is so hard to balance everything in our lives....sometimes I feel like I'm hanging off a cliff by my fingernails..ready to drop at any time. Keep me posted about Garden of Emunah ...I've heard it is really good! ...I'm here for you

Rach said...

You didn't scare me away. I just kept thinking what to comment and forgot to come back and do so.

I feel very uneasy sometimes when I am flooded by anxiety- almost like I'm floating under water at times.

It's a struggle- but I would take it as a sign that mayve every day life is too much of a stretch right now? Is that too presumptuous?

I should have come helped more or done something. Should Y ever go out of town again- please let me know- I want to help.