I have started 2 posts but can't seem to finish them.
I just am not in the mood to write about deep thoughts.
I am in the mood to curl up under my covers, have stacks of books around me, lots of coffee-hot chocolate-tea (I like all hot drinks), and just read the days away.
Not getting to do a lot of that unfortunately.
I have been thinking a lot about health lately. How grateful I am that my kids are healthy. That they have a stable 2 parent home. How I am able to give them healthy food (and they like to eat it!) How they like to read books and want to spend time with their parents. How even though I like to shop at thrift stores for their clothes, I don't have to. How even though they fight like siblings do, they are essentially polite and respectful children. How they care about those less fortunate than them. I am thankful for all of that.
This thankfulness stems from a meltdown I had at work last Wednesday before Thanksgiving. No, I didn't have a temper tantrum, it was more of an emotional meltdown. I just felt defeated, like what I do doesn't make a difference. In my head I know that's not true, but sometimes it seems like my students just don't care. About themselves, each other, their community. . . And that makes me sad. Just plain sad. When you don't care about yourself, you certainly don't care about other people.
I LOVE what I do. I couldn't do this job if I didn't. But sometimes it is so hard to put all your heart and soul into something and not see growth. I am not expecting perfection, just growth and maturity. Both of which were in short supply last Wednesday. I want so so much for my students to grow up to be successful adults. But I can't want it more than they do or more than their parents want it for them.
It's a week later and I am over the defeat. It's the little things that make a difference. I have seen small steps: 2 students who usually want to tear each other's throat out worked together today, a student that was so difficult last Wednesday wrote me a letter apologizing for her behavior, a student that can't read tapped out the sounds of words AND worked independently! (I actually told my him I wanted to do a jig, I was so happy!) Can you tell I am enthusiastic? I guess I learned that enthusiasm isn't constant, it ebbs and flows.
I am deeper than I thought.