Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I seem to start but can't finish

I have started 2 posts but can't seem to finish them.

I just am not in the mood to write about deep thoughts.

I am in the mood to curl up under my covers, have stacks of books around me, lots of coffee-hot chocolate-tea (I like all hot drinks), and just read the days away.

Not getting to do a lot of that unfortunately.

I have been thinking a lot about health lately. How grateful I am that my kids are healthy. That they have a stable 2 parent home. How I am able to give them healthy food (and they like to eat it!) How they like to read books and want to spend time with their parents. How even though I like to shop at thrift stores for their clothes, I don't have to. How even though they fight like siblings do, they are essentially polite and respectful children. How they care about those less fortunate than them. I am thankful for all of that.

This thankfulness stems from a meltdown I had at work last Wednesday before Thanksgiving. No, I didn't have a temper tantrum, it was more of an emotional meltdown. I just felt defeated, like what I do doesn't make a difference. In my head I know that's not true, but sometimes it seems like my students just don't care. About themselves, each other, their community. . . And that makes me sad. Just plain sad. When you don't care about yourself, you certainly don't care about other people.

I LOVE what I do. I couldn't do this job if I didn't. But sometimes it is so hard to put all your heart and soul into something and not see growth. I am not expecting perfection, just growth and maturity. Both of which were in short supply last Wednesday. I want so so much for my students to grow up to be successful adults. But I can't want it more than they do or more than their parents want it for them.

It's a week later and I am over the defeat. It's the little things that make a difference. I have seen small steps: 2 students who usually want to tear each other's throat out worked together today, a student that was so difficult last Wednesday wrote me a letter apologizing for her behavior, a student that can't read tapped out the sounds of words AND worked independently! (I actually told my him I wanted to do a jig, I was so happy!) Can you tell I am enthusiastic? I guess I learned that enthusiasm isn't constant, it ebbs and flows.

I am deeper than I thought.


7 comments:

Orah said...

I bet it's the weather... take some vitamin D. (then blog about it).

shalva said...

i can identify, i was just thinking about something kind of similar last night - you hear so many sad stories about sick children, sick adults... it is just so depressing and difficult to think about the families going through these trials. for some reason, it hit me hard last night and all day i've been thinking about it...can't get it out of my head - which is probably a good thing, so that i can daven for others and at the same time appreciate everything i usually take for granted...
i'm sorry, i didn't mean to be such a downer, this just caught me in a 'thinking' mood. and i am glad that today was a better day for you!

DESJ and Company said...

i hear ya!

Rach said...

i feel the same way.

some days i wonder why i go to work

and others...

i feel like real change is happening

i think it will always be a battle- just need to keep chocolate in constant supply :)

Michelle said...

can we retreat under the covers together? we'll come visit and leave the husbands with the kids for oh...4 days or so and we can drink endless cups of chai and read until the wee hours of the morning. ahh, one can dream. sorry you're frustrated with your students. it's very similar to being a SAHM. some days rock my world and others make me want to sit on the porch and cry. and that horrible nagging feeling that what you do is never good enough--that there is always more that could be done. sigh..just to know that it always changes can sometimes be (and has to be) enough. love you! xoxo.

mom said...

there will always be good and bad days, especially when dealing with children. You just have to remember tomorrow is another day and this too shall pass. You just have to go with the flow and take some deep breaths (yoga at work).

Aliza said...

I think with the student- teacher relationship the growth is so subtle that years later the student looks back and can appreciate everything the teacher did for them. The memories of the good teachers in the past are what make a difference for the future. Ok I guess I'm in that deep thought place.....I think with children and parents too, we as adults can appreciate some of the challenges and triumphs our parents had to go through with us.....Doesn't always make those challenges easy at the time but the appreciation is there...